Tennessee: You Have a Beer Problem

Friday, April 16, 2010

What exactly is going on in the state of Tennessee? No, I am not talking about the woman and the Russian boy. I’m talking about what appears to be a beer epidemic. Apparently when the weather here turned warm the state of Tennessee lost its ability to limit its beer consumption and not commit crimes.

Just the other day a citizen of the fine state was arrested for DUI while driving a lawn mower down the road. Upon being arrested for DUI the mowerist (invented title meaning: drunk redneck on mower) admitted to having few beers but explained he was just going down the road to borrow some fishing poles. Problem is the owner of the fishing poles reported them stolen, so I guess beer impairs your ability to lie as well. Only in the south do you get drunk and hop on your mower to run an errand.

Oh, and what is up with the drunken gentleman who injured two people while riding his horse at the mule festival? The accounts state that this man was riding his horse through the crowd asking for beers when someone finally took pity on the man and offered him a beer. He dismounted, thanked the folks and politely spooked his own horse where upon it bolted and injured two people. Even the horse knew he was to drunk to ride, sad thing when your horse cuts you off.

For the final testament to this epidemic, there was the man who chose a snake as his weapon of choice. Apparently, in a heated argument over noise from the next room at his motel, this gentleman picked up his Boa and assaulted the offender with it, slapped him right in the face!The snake survived and was turned over to family members where it was last seen crushing any beer can that came near it.

I must state however, that the news did not say whether or not this man was drunk but I have to assume he was. Why else would you choose to assault someone with a snake, when everyone knows that every pickup truck in the south comes equipped with a gun rack? Had to be the beer.

So Tennessee, maybe you should seek intervention for this apparent beer epidemic. I fear it will spread to the rest of the union; there are already signs of it crossing state lines. Texas has a gentleman who got caught cheating at a fishing tournament. He tired to win the tournament by shoving a lead weight down a bass’s throat only to be caught because the fish sank when placed in the live tank. Needless to say they took his fishing license away, sad thing was he got to keep his cooler.

Heaven help us, summer festivals and boating season has not even started yet.

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