Tuesday, April 13, 2010
It is official, NASA confirms it and I have witnessed it; aliens have landed. While the exact description of what these aliens look like still is elusive, I know they have landed and are living among us. I know this because I have educated myself on the tracks and remnants they leave behind once they enter your house. Since I am sure we are not alone any longer I wish to educate you on the obvious signs of this invasion.
First let me dispel the myth of gremlins, they do not exist. This is propaganda the aliens invented to disguise their actual presence here. Should you have an electrical apparatus that suddenly develops a mind of its own, this is an alien. Like your phone suddenly cutting off in mid call, it is aliens telling you to stop using so much of their airwaves. Should the stove clock start to flash in some code rather than the time, it is code. Step away and do not put food in it. The aliens are about to beam down some charred space remains and you could unwittingly eat it.
I have learned they control most of our home appliances and nothing is off limits to them. Do not be tricked into wearing aluminum foil on your head, this is just a rouse. This only makes other humans wonder about your sanity and is the next stage of the alien master plan.
As to actually seeing them, well apparently only children and animals can witness their true being. Should your beloved, family pet start to calming stare at an object as if it is speaking to them, it is, aliens. Should they start to chase imaginary critters around the back yard; aliens just looking for some R and R. Though I must assume they are pleasing to look at for my furry friends have shown no signs of fear or confusion, though they have occasionally looked at me like; “what did it say, mom?” I cannot speak intelligently about children since I do not actually have any; however, I have witnessed several lately I just know have been possessed by aliens.
Now how do you know you have been infiltrated, you ask? Here are the tell tale signs that aliens have invaded your home. Should you awake one morning and every room in your house has a thin layer of dust, aliens have landed. It is not the fact that you have put off dusting for two weeks but rather the remnants of their lunar landing.
Should you go to take a shower/bath and you find a grimy dark ring around the tub, aliens. The tub is where they refill their engines cooling tank and they leave a grimy dark ring because they overflow the tank and their feet are black. It has nothing to with the fact that you have procrastinated about cleaning your tub.
The most tell tale sign of all is what we humans call dust bunnies. These are not bunnies at all, they are the alien spies they have placed here to precede the coming invasion. When you walk down your hall, haven’t you noticed them following you?
No matter what weapon you choose Hover, Kirby or Oreck; it has no affect on them. In fact I think it makes them even more determined. They always return and they seem to double in number each time I try to eradicate them. I checked with the Department of Homeland Security, to date they have not addressed the alien issue. However, they did inform me they were aware of the current deployment of spies and no it had nothing to do with me being too busy to use my weapon of choice. Whew, what a relief!
While doing this research I became both scared and pleased with the findings. Scared that aliens are real, that only children and pets could see and communicate with them. Terrified our government was aware of the situation, yet had no defense planned for what has to be a forewarned invasion.
I was pleased to learn however, that I am not losing my mind, nor am I having bad luck with electrical appliances, it was just aliens. I jumped for joy when I found out I could take off this aluminum foil hat, it did not match anything in my wardrobe. I was ecstatic when I learned my procrastination regarding housework had nothing to do with being selected for alien assimilation. What a relief; I now have a real reason for my messy house. Aliens have invaded.
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