Federal Debt Commission: Here's a Cheat Sheet

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Have you heard? There is a new Presidential appointed commission whose task is to recommend ways to lower the deficit. Though this commission is newly formed I fear it has already gotten of course. I must say it is hard to stay on course when you are allowed to spend the first four hours of the workday viewing porn.

In an individual effort to make up for our commissions lost time each morning I’d like to submit the following list of recommended cost cutting measures. Commissioners feel free to use this as cheat sheet; I will not be offended if you do not mention my name.

Commission Cheat Sheet:

  • I have to assume since Federal employees are promoted and not fired, this committee is in part, those promoted from the Security and Exchange commission. To you I say; Turn off the porn, take a cold shower and come to work at 8:00 in the morning like the rest of us and work.
  • Then inform the Senate and Congress there will be several changes to their terms:
    • Meals, limos, etcetera will no long be construed as expenses. Eat in the lunchroom and car pool. By the way only public transportation will be provided as a means of travel.
    • Salaries will be frozen until we find a way to harness the wind power coming from the hill.
    • Should you feel the urge to argue or not use common sense you will be required to ride in the new mini shuttle you so proudly required us to pay for, the return portion of the ticket comes out of your pocket.
    • Oh, and since you folks are dropping like flies you will now retire with nothing more than a 401K and social security. In addition you will be afforded the same health care as that just voted into law.
  • Government procurement shall be begin with Home Depot, Staples or Wal-Mart. If that $500 toilet seat does not salute and sing hallelujah it is not worth it.
  • Lobbyists shall be required to contribute matching funds to the state budget of the Senator/Congressman they are pocketing. This will at least reduce the Federal funds needed to counteract the useless project the Senator/Congressman thought was good idea at the time.
  • You can leave Social Security and Medicare alone. Apparently the other commission has found our children have gotten so obese they will not need it. 
  • Defense and Security can be reduced to 10%, how? Return our soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan and replace them with Federal inmates. Give them nothing but a canteen and sunscreen. If inmates can make tattoo guns from a Walkman and kill each other with a pork chop bone, they can take care of the Taliban.
Hopefully this cheat sheet will get this Presidential commission back on track. But I ask you readers did I forget anything? Can you think of anything to add to this list?

Going UP