Trying to Get Over the Rainbow: April 2010

What Would Our Grandparents Say?

Friday, April 30, 2010

Last night as I lay in bed watching the late news on Fox I was struck with a sudden realization about our great nation and its allies. The realization was that our allies and us have advanced so far we now have forgotten where we have been. Can you imagine what your grandparents would say should they be here today? Do you really think they would be proud of us?

As I listened to the announcer bombard me with the rhetoric of the day my mind wandered to stories I was told as a child. Stories that at the time were used to either make me behave or put a fear in me regarding something I knew not to fear. What I would learn later in life amazed me; one I had paid attention, I retained those stories and two, they were not stories at all. It is the lineage we all come from, it was the thread in our global fabric we seem to have unraveled.

Invisible Clothing: Hazardous to Your Health

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Do you have an invisible shirt? No, not a shirt that is invisible but one that when you put it on it makes you invisible. I did not know such clothing articles existed but apparently I have several pieces of such attire. How do you tell if you own such articles of clothing? What should you do if you find them in your closet?

How you tell if you own such clothing articles can be tricky but they can be identified. The only tool required will be a way to document the time, place and reason for the offending articles you are wearing. A permanent marker can also be useful for label marking but is not required. Let’s look at the ways to identify these articles of clothing.

Federal Debt Commission: Here's a Cheat Sheet

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Have you heard? There is a new Presidential appointed commission whose task is to recommend ways to lower the deficit. Though this commission is newly formed I fear it has already gotten of course. I must say it is hard to stay on course when you are allowed to spend the first four hours of the workday viewing porn.

In an individual effort to make up for our commissions lost time each morning I’d like to submit the following list of recommended cost cutting measures. Commissioners feel free to use this as cheat sheet; I will not be offended if you do not mention my name.

Illegal Immigrant’s: Travel Advisory

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Illegal immigrants please take note. Regardless of what you have been told, regardless of what propaganda you have been handed, this is not the land of opportunity. You have been misled and I fear this disillusion will only cause undo stress to the already stressful journey you took to get here. Please let me enlighten you on the real state of our union.

No, you may not be allowed to come here and enjoy the fruits of your laborious trades. Yes, there are agriculture jobs available but you must be able to relocate and frequently. We seemed to have made the planet mad and are experiencing numerous natural disasters that will require you to locate where ever the crops are currently not destroyed. No, a relocation allowance is not provided and career advancement is limited since corporate agriculture has purchased most of the family farms.

Cyber Peepers: Who Are You?

Monday, April 26, 2010

We would like to interrupt this blog post for a special announcement. It has come to the attention of this blogs manager; Fragile Mouse, (Frag-a-lee Mouse) that you the readers are basically unknown.

Fragile noticed all the recent hit indicators on the world map and asked who you were; I did not know. Not the answer she was looking for and I received a bark lashing, followed by her refusing to play anymore. In an effort to restore order in my house and to better understand the readers I have compiled a small 10 question survey. Participation in the survey is optional but requested and you may respond to one or all of the following questions. If you are ready here goes:

Where are you located? (Names are optional)
Do you prefer blind dates or speed dating? I guess you could prefer speedy blind dates but let’s keep it simple.
Does the toilet paper go over or under?
Can I wear shoes in your house or do I need new socks?
If I Google your house, will it find it? Google does not know where the Emerald city is and it tells me I have to swim to London.
Are you computer savvy or do you just have a savvy computer?
Are you a cyberpeeper or a follower? Cyberpeepers are those who just hit your blog to raise the bounce rate, followers counteract the peepers.
Do you walk your pet or does your pet walk you? (Children are included)
How did you get to this page? Do you feel you belong or were you misguided by some search engine.
How do you get to the Emerald city?

If you are unsure as to how to respond let me explain. Look down to the end of this post; see those blue icon thingies, click the one on the left that says “Comment” beside it. A window will pop up where you can enter your responses. Select whether or not you want me to know who you are and hit “Publish Comment.” That’s it, you are done.

Fragile Mouse wanted me to thank you in advance and is now off searching for her ball. I look forward to letting her know who exactly is leaving all those red dots on the map.

Technorati Tags: Questions,Comments,Blog,Pets,Rainbow

Kentucky Rolex: Part 2

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Now that Mother Nature has finished her hissy fit I will continue my Kentucky Rolex experience. The Kentucky Rolex is a three-day event between horse and rider: dressage, cross-country and stadium jumping. I have been attending the event since it came to Kentucky in the early 80's and have realized most out-of-towers' or newbie's do not understand the rules and terminology of the event. Let me shed some light on these.

Kentucky Rolex: Part 1

Saturday, April 24, 2010

No, I'm not taking the weekend off again, mother nature must be having a hot flash though. The wind is blowing, lightening flashing and when it does rain it pours; something set her off. I won't be able to share with you everything I have learned today because of Ms. Natures affect on my power right now. But I will give you a glimpse of where I was today.

Kentucky Rolex 2010

Tomorrow, after the storms I will share all that I have been enlightened with today, so come back and hear the tails of what you can really learn while at a horse event.

Technorati Tags: Kentucky Rolex,Adentures,Pets,Kentucky,Rainbow

Late Night TV, Real Late Night

Friday, April 23, 2010

TGIF or so it seems. I spent last night trying to overcome anxiety attacks and watching the most absurd infomercials. Have you ever paid attention to those things? Last night I got overdosed on them and came to realize very soon, that we Americans will buy anything if presented right.

Apparently we do not have a real estate crisis and you too can make millions buying and selling property. If you merely make three equal payments of $33.33, why didn’t they just say $100.00 even? In 4 to 6 weeks you will receive a study book and video explaining how to earn all this money, of which I preceded to have a nightmare. I dreamt I sent away for my new career venture only to receive a video of Porky Pig saying, “Thaaaat’s all folks!” I awoke with the urge to have bacon.

Shoes, Handbags and Menopause

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Shoes and handbags such extras women give long thought to when selecting each morning. They must be chic, match the rest of the ensemble and most of all, must match each other. Yet, no thought is given to comfort, it does not matter the cost nor does it matter if either item serves any practicality. Exactly where did this tradition begin and why?

While I do not know where the tradition began, I can tell you it kicks in around adolescence and continues until menopause. This is when the handgun syndrome takes over and it best not to comment about anything to a woman in menopause. So why exactly does it take this chemical imbalance to make a woman wake up? My thought on this is that it may very well be the years of wearing of uncomfortable shoes and the toting of small suitcases that causes the chemical imbalance.

Supernatural Portal: I Think Not

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Okay now I’m starting to wonder what really is going on in my house? Though I have yet to blog about the ghost I fear I have and how it appears to be a kleptomaniac, I have reported on alien spies disguised as dust bunnies. What now has me truly concerned is that I learned last Friday from my mother what I thought were alien spies are really spirits coming and going.

I hope you can now see my fear, I have a kleptomaniac ghost, aliens trashing my house and now I have to deal with spirits rolling in and out. I really do not have time for all of this; I’m trying to find a job.

Earth Day: Oh, I’m Exempt

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Did you know Earth day is Thursday? Did you know you too, can be exempt from participating? Well, you can because I just found out I became exempt the day I became unemployed. If you visit the international web site on celebrating Earth day you will find a checklist of behaviors you should pledge to change. This is where I found I would be exempted from participating.

The first suggestion to pledge was “be more aware of what you buy.” This one was easy, no job, no money, no purchase. However, I have made a habit of wearing shoes and a shirt just in case. Though I do think they meant buy more local and that is really hard when all of Wal-Mart is now produced in China.

Keeneland: It’s a Circus

Monday, April 19, 2010

Apologizes to the few readers I have but I took the weekend off from blogging. I choose to spend the weekend with some close friends watching the ponies run at Keeneland race track. What a mistake! Not the friends but choosing to visit Keeneland.

Everyone who comes to Kentucky feels they must see the horses; people either want to visit the Kentucky Horse Park or Keeneland. My friends and their guests had timed their visit to attend Keenelands spring meet so the day had been planned, Keeneland it was. Saturday we would spend watching the ponies and enjoying each others company, catching up on time gone by; not!

Tennessee: You Have a Beer Problem

Friday, April 16, 2010

What exactly is going on in the state of Tennessee? No, I am not talking about the woman and the Russian boy. I’m talking about what appears to be a beer epidemic. Apparently when the weather here turned warm the state of Tennessee lost its ability to limit its beer consumption and not commit crimes.

Just the other day a citizen of the fine state was arrested for DUI while driving a lawn mower down the road. Upon being arrested for DUI the mowerist (invented title meaning: drunk redneck on mower) admitted to having few beers but explained he was just going down the road to borrow some fishing poles. Problem is the owner of the fishing poles reported them stolen, so I guess beer impairs your ability to lie as well. Only in the south do you get drunk and hop on your mower to run an errand.

Viagra for Women: Just a Few Suggestions

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Viagra for women may soon be on a drug store shelf near you. A pharmaceutical division of Pfizer believes they have found the substance that stimulates a woman’s sexual arousal. While this drug is still in the research phase I’d like to point out some of the obvious components that should be included to this so-called pill.

The male version of this drug does not provide any form of vision impairment, men are already somewhat blind when it comes to sex and it was not required. Woman on the other hand are not so blind and therefore this definitely dictates further consideration. In fact I would like to pose that a hallucinogenic be included. This would at least ensure a fighting chance for the approaching male. The disclaimer would read: “many things may appear better while taking this drug, alcohol does intensify this affect.”

Florida Girl Found Alive: There is a Lesson Here

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

There is more to the story than a young, mild autistic girl being found safe in a Florida swamp. The story began with a nature walk and ended with an entire community searching and praying for what eventually became a happy ending. Her rescuer praised the Lord for leading him to her and his prayers were answered but there is so much more here.

Let us look beneath the mere act of the simple nature walk. To you and I that simple walk would have ended at the swamps edge, we would have feared the unknown but not Nadia. This is where we find the underlying message to this entire ordeal.

Aliens: Yes They are Here

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

It is official, NASA confirms it and I have witnessed it; aliens have landed. While the exact description of what these aliens look like still is elusive, I know they have landed and are living among us. I know this because I have educated myself on the tracks and remnants they leave behind once they enter your house. Since I am sure we are not alone any longer I wish to educate you on the obvious signs of this invasion.

First let me dispel the myth of gremlins, they do not exist. This is propaganda the aliens invented to disguise their actual presence here. Should you have an electrical apparatus that suddenly develops a mind of its own, this is an alien. Like your phone suddenly cutting off in mid call, it is aliens telling you to stop using so much of their airwaves. Should the stove clock start to flash in some code rather than the time, it is code. Step away and do not put food in it. The aliens are about to beam down some charred space remains and you could unwittingly eat it.

Senator McConnell and I Understand the Tea Party Now

Monday, April 12, 2010

Senator Mitch McConnell does respond to emails. He does want to support unemployment benefit extensions, he does appreciate our comments and yes, he will even thank you for them but he will not go much further. I say all this because I received such a letter; I voiced my opinion via email to the Senator and got in return a six-paragraph campaign ad.

Let me digress and explain that I had during the filibuster regarding the extension of unemployment benefits sent emails to Kentucky Senators, Bunning and McConnell. Basically what I sent them electronically was the proverbial southern hissy fit, but let me condense the six paragraphs I received in return.

Dixie Carter, Tiger Woods and Liz Taylor

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Usually when I select a topic to blog about it is an event or random comment that strikes a nerve or an emotion from within. Today however as I scanned the web a disturbing pattern started to emerge, there were way too many nerves being hit upon. For this reason I have chosen to provide you with my synopsis of what struck my nerves this morning.

Let us start with the passing of Dixie Carter, the woman who made it fashionable to be a southern woman. She showed the world that southern woman could have a hissy fit, politely put you in your place, point out exactly why you were wrong, and all the while look oh so elegant doing it. She allowed us to see humor in the southern ways while her sister Susanne showed us pigs could be pets. In honor of Julia Sugarbaker I will find a plumber with the stereotypical low riding pair of pants, rear crack fully exposed and decorate it with a bouquet of daisies.

Boston Bullying: Not the Real Issue

Saturday, April 10, 2010

If you have not heard of this case then lift the rock up you are living under and crawl out. This poor girl was stalked, mentally tortured and lived in fear and not one person lifted a finger to help her. Now everyone wants to cry foul and enact a law to prevent such events from occurring in the future. Can we really litigate our children into becoming civil human beings?

I realize we live in a different time than that of when I was in high school and that I lived in a different time from that of my mother but do we really believe an enacted law will curb this behavior? Bullying has gone on for generations and each generation has overcome it in their way but each preceding generation had the necessary social skills to achieve such a victory. Schools were a place to educate, grow, nurture and learn social interaction, not a place of social status, adult daycare and social networking. With that statement I pose the question; “where was the rest of the students while this severe bullying was going on?

Virginia Nude: Parade or Fashion Show?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Virginia man acquitted of indecent exposure; did you hear about this? Six months ago this man was arrested because in his own home he felt the urge to parade around naked, problem was two women had pulled a seat for the parade, one with child in tow and did not rate his display as favorable. The entire case was based on intent to expose not the right to bare arms in ones own home.

While both women felt this met the definition of an emergency and dialed 911 only one lifted a pre-selected finger to give the gentleman the lowest of ratings. Makes you wonder what did they really expect looking in their neighbor’s house so early in the morning? This poor man has spent the last six months of his life, not to mention the money, to clear his name, all because two women choose to peek in. The entire article reminded me so much of my great aunt and her knowledge of the exact happenings of her surroundings it made me laugh.

Nuclear Limitations: Are You Kidding?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

President Obama’s Nuclear Limitation Policy has drawn criticism from both sides of the fence and after reading the synopsis I can see why. In short it states that should you attack us with any thing other than nuclear weapons we won’t nuke you; we will only use nukes in extreme circumstances but we define extreme and finally we will not further our nuclear aerosol. The United States will keep in place those warheads it has and oh yeah, this only applies to those nations that have signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty. Do you see a problem yet?

Let us look at this from how the average, common sense using American does. Should you attack us with a biological weapon our first response is not “nuke them!” Our first response would be how could we get the antidote? Which we already know over government does not have a stockpile of, nor do they provide us with education on how to treat, contain and eliminate the spread of such an attack, that information is privileged. Should you attack us with a chemical weapon, all of the above still applies. However.

Oprah: Miracle Angel Request

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hey Oprah, can you send me one of those miracle angels? Today I feel like that preverbal bear is going to eat me. I have tried to shut the curtains and hide my eyes; I’ve even blared loud music in an attempt to scare away the beast but I sense he is still hiding in the shadows of today's events. Why should I be granted a miracle angel?

Well, let me say this, I do not want one because I recently received medical treatments that now make me look like a new bobble head on an old bobble body. My skin is how it should be and not tighten to the point I look like the little girl with her pig tails caught in the bus door. Sorry I understand the workings of my insides and do not require charts, graphs and exhibits to entertain your audience. The fact is I actually passed biology class.

Reform and Stimulus: Okay that is misleading

Monday, April 5, 2010

There are two words I have heard repeatedly in the last several months that I definitely have a problem with how they are being used. “What are those two words,” I hear you asking. Well, let me tell you; they are the words “Stimulus” and “Reform.” I do not know what lazy person in Washington just picked these words out of the air but they should have at least looked up the definition of the words before they applied them to government programs that neither stimulate nor reform.

When you look at the word stimulus it simply means to stimulate. Following the word path and look up stimulate you will find the definition as to cause a reaction in the body, to motivate or encourage. I can honestly say I think they did use the word correctly; they just did not obtain the results they intended. In fact, most Americans had a reaction in their bodies; oh, it sparked motivation and down right encouraged the nation to respond to the first two parts of the definition.

Easter: Lets Ban Patent Leather

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter Sunday and as I sit here alone contemplating the days planned activities I’m saddened by those activities that are no longer on the schedule. I am as well thankful of those events I no longer have to partake in.

I am saddened that all the kids in my family have out grown the Easter Bunny and no longer expect he will pay his usual spring visit to them. With all my nieces and nephews I always took great joy in preparing a healthy, educational Easter basket for them. Not to much candy but with more books, crayons and learning items and always in a unique basket like a sand pail or a simple handbag. It was fun.

Parenthood and Baby Bibles

Friday, April 2, 2010

Ever planned a quite dinner out with your significant other only to arrive at the restaurant and be placed next to the children of the corn? You know those children whose parents have suddenly gone numb and assume the waitress is a free babysitter. Well, recently I had such an adventure and it got me to thinking about parenthood or the lack there of.

I started noticing a shift in parenting when the so-called baby bibles started to become best sellers. I would over hear conversations like “well, I’m reading this,” or “Doctor so and so says this is best.” I was witnessing a new trend in parenting where people really believed that child rearing could be achieved through reading a book. Hum, wonder what book my mother had read? So, one day I asked her.

The Queen is a Crone: Really?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Okay, I’m done for the day. I’ve learned my daily fact and honestly I am not happy about it. What I stored into knowledge today was the definition of the word, “crone,” which means any woman past forty. I protest; I am not a Crone!

I am not a withered old woman; I am not a biddy. Yes, menopause has come and clothing at a moments notice can be optional. Yes, my body has decided to take up Chinese and I no longer have any idea of what it is saying to me. Yes, I sometimes feel the need to try and make rhythm with my cracking joints and yes, I do find simple surprises around the house like I knew that is where I put those keys, but I am not a Crone.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)