Newsflash: I Have a Newsflash

EXTRA... EXTRA

We interrupt this regular schedule of posting for an important message.

My stress has been relieved and finally I can divulge the causes. I’m superstitious that way; don’t talk about things in fear of the proverbial jinx. Any who, I now can tell you. Wait, let me stop doing this happy dance and sit down so I can tell this story correctly.

Right before Christmas I had a routine physical and was informed further tests were needed. “No big deal,” I thought, “after all, the doctor seemed calm.” Last Thursday I went in for my additional tests. A nodule on my thyroid was not right.

Let’s cut to the chase. This nodule was 3 times larger than was acceptable, a simple ultra-sound was not enough. (Actually I was scheduled for two different ultra-sounds but we will get to that.) A fine needle aspiration was in order.

I was told the odds of benign, a-typical cell compaction and yes, the dreaded “C” word. Then I was informed that after the lidocaine stopped burning I would feel nothing, simple. 

Just the mention of the “C” word sent my small, deranged little mind into self-preservation mode. I do not know what made it go there but it did. The moment that needle went into my throat I heard a Star Trek dialog. Listen:

”Spock, what do you make of this nebula?”
”Captain, I’m not sure, it is just not logical.”
”Captain, it appears to be a life form, it is trying to communicate” states Uhura.
”Can you translate, Uhura?” Kirk asks, as if being a female enables her to translate everything.
”No sir.”
”Spock, launch a probe, let’s get up close and personal with this nebula.”
”Yes Captain, but allow me to point out, it may retaliate.”
”My God man, it is a living, breathing thing. You can’t just shot a probe into it.” Bones shouts appalled.
”Launch Mr. Spock, in fact, launch three probes.”

Do not ask me why but I now feel sympathy for nebulas. I can hear what Uhura could not translate, “Leave me alone, I’m nothing. Do not stick a probe in me only to wiggle and giggle it around just to satisfy your curiosity. I’m Benign.”

Do you understand my stress now? I can only acquaint my strange little nodule with a nebula. The unknown, in a faraway galaxy, thank heavens. As I told you though, I was scheduled for two different ultra-sounds.

The other I knew was more a routine test and not because of some strange nebula. This test I said, “No” to, why?

Because I felt my physician was on another dimensional plane when he ordered it in the first place. When I finally got up the nerve to call for the aspiration results I told him so too. 

”If your small office probe would not fit into that cavity, why on earth did you think a deep space nine size probe would?” After all I’d rather my doctor not think of me as some bold new frontier.


Thank you all so much for the kind words and the understanding. You guys are just the greatest!

We now return to your regular postings!

Peace…

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